Yer Cheatin' Heart

I have a theory that there are a fixed (and small) number of prototypes out there from which all Country songs are derived. One of them, clearly, expresses the "You cheated on me and God help you now" motif.

Two of my favorite instances are Carrie Underwood's "Before He Cheats", and Sara Evans' "Cheatin'".

Listen in, man friends, to what would be in store for you if you were to step out on one of the above-mentioned ladies.

Sara would sit back and enjoy the karmic dope slap the universe would deliver to a lowlife like... you:

How do you like that furnished room, the bed, the chair, the table?
The TV picture comes and goes, too bad you don't have cable --
How do you like that paper plate, and those pork-n-beans you're eatin'?
Maybe you should have thought about that,
When you were cheatin'.

How do you like that beat-up car, I think it's fair we traded;
Your pickup truck is running fine, it's a cozy ride for datin' --
Yes, I've been out a time or two, and found the comfort I been needin';
Maybe you should have thought about that,
When you were cheatin'.

You made your bed, and you're out of mine --
You lie awake, and I sleep just fine.
You've done your sowing, now you can do the reaping;
Maybe you should have thought about that,
When you were cheatin'.

Now, what became of what's her name, after she spent all your money?
Did she leave you just like you left me, well sometimes life is funny!
Yes, I'll be glad to take you back, just as soon as I stop breathin' --
Maybe you should have thought about that,
Oh, maybe you should have thought about that,
Maybe you should have thought about that,
When you were cheatin',
When you were cheatin'.

Carrie, on the other hand, would deliver the goods herself:

I dug my key into the side of his pretty little souped-up four-wheel drive,
carved my name into his leather seats;
I took a Louisville Slugger to both head lights,
slashed a hole in all four tires --
And maybe next time he'll think before he cheats.

Decisions, decisions...

(My wife is a Bosnian Serb, and more important, I love her dearly, so this has never been a consideration for me.)

Of course, the real proof that what I am asserting is true is that if you go to gracenote.com and search for a song with "Cheatin" in the title, it returns with " Displaying Disc 1-10 of 1343 matching CDs".

Case closed.